I was smiling six hours ago with my friends. The thought of leaving them irks me, breaking down in front of them would never happened. These are the people that I care about and shares my deepest secrets with. Tonight, a birthday was celebrated. Another friend turned 21. Popping champagne, tiramisu cake, love stories, Patrick. I was amused. I kept my smile carved on my face. I told them, I am okay. They knew deep down in their hearts, I wasn’t alright. I wasn’t laughing out loud, they knew.

Later, a Korean lady came up to me, “They think you’re beautiful, mind joining us for a drink?” I declined. I wasn’t in the mood to introduce myself nor entertain anyone. I sipped the chilled Bavaria, alone. Tonight, my body was warm, I don’t want to be hold on to.

I met with a few boys for drinks, they brought me to this place. A place where I often was a year ago. A place where I shared memories with him. I held on to a bottle of Tiger, familiar faces, familiar place, familiar music but unfamiliar feeling. I felt distant tonight. My heart shattered a thousand times. Images keep running in my mind, scattered. What am I holding on to? I left the scene months ago. I moved on.

I came home feeling shitty. Shattered.

Awake at this hour. Always interesting.
It was a mosquito bite. She showed me her swollen bitten finger just like a little girl.
I fell asleep on her bed waiting for her.
In this room, I often come back to for a good sleep.
Coming back to this room, I see creatures that develop a love and hate relationship with me.
Back in this room, we share the deepest secrets.
Back in this room, I ransacked her wardrobe to fit her size 4 dress to my size 6 body.
Back in this room, I discovered this thing that smells good lathered on my skin.
Back in this room, music is something new to me.
Coming back here, reminds me of myself. My nostalgia.
Ironicly, I never felt like this for a girl ever.
Girls always intimidate me.
I never fond of girls company because of the unnecessary dramas.
Till recently, I learnt to abide the natures law of girlfriends.
They’re pretty fun when you found just the right ones.

A Night to Remember

Always there

Always drunk

Always away

I had a mixed feeling coming back to this room. I was indeed excited, turned nervous, turned scared, turned speechless.

It was two person back in this room, now with no conversation, no laughter.

This weekend seems too fast. Here I am flying back to KL in 12 hours time.

Honestly, my heart splits. Part of me wants to stay, part of me wants to leave.

Time would explain it all.

‘When Love comes calling
Don’t look back
When love comes calling
Don’t look away’ – Telepopmusik

I’m afraid.

I am back in this place where strangers greet and smile at me.

Walking in the park,
I like the sight of blue sky and white cotton clouds,
I like the smell of the green grass,
I like the chill air blowing on my skin,
I see ducks swimming,
I see dogs running around,
I see couples cuddling and kissing.

The next 5 days here,
I’m somebody.

I’m afraid of expectations and questions.
5 days.

Where’s my fag?

‘I’d love for you to take me to a deeper conversation
Only you can make me’ -Yuna

The best thing about art
it brings your memories back.
Whether it’s a piece of painting or rythmn playing at the back of your head.

Artist: Otto von Nostitz

I thought of you,
I thought you were long gone,
there you are singing with me,
there you are smiling and gazing into my eyes,
there you are breaking my heart,
there you are, I whisper these words.
My daydream.