My soul can barely take it any longer.

Let’s backtrack.

Thursday afternoon whilst at meeting, phone rang, I felt thorns prickling my heart. I heard a sudden death. The very first of 2010. I ignored the awful drowning of emotions . I left my bitterheart in the meeting room and refused to pick it up. The next day, I attended the funeral. The son was at the altar, he spoke of his dead father. “He wasn’t the perfect person, but he was my perfect father”. Tears rolled profusely, thoughts running behind my head – would my family and friends ever say beautiful things about me or the funeral parlour will be empty and cold, with no friends, no one to mourn?

I saw the widow and the children, they looked tough and holding on strongly. Receiving hugs from friends and relatives, I could imagine what these people whispered to the family members’ of the dead, “be strong/I’m sorry/we will miss him dearly”. I never know how it feels like having someone so close to me gone forever. Unlike most children, I never miss my grandparents, I was never close to them at the first place. Most likely the only person I’ve lost and missing would be my paternal father. He’s not dead, just long gone. Too long.

The second blow hits while I was drafting this post. I was clicking around and saw a fanpage in Facebook, ‘In Loving Memory of Sandra Wong’. Tragic accident led to sudden death. She was 21, just like me. I barely knew this girl, I met her once or twice in the uni hallway. I was overwhelmed by the goodbye notes left for her. Today, she appeared in the local news, ‘Making others happy – even in her death‘. I was touched, she was indeed an amazing person. She left footprints, I envy her friends. Have I marked myself in this world?

Suddenly life seems meaningless. Times like this I question my faith, my God. Why her? Why now? Life is so fragile and vulnerable. For a moment, I had no reason to live for. I didn’t know why I should continue living, continue breathing, continue smiling, continue working, continue studying, continue falling in love. I picked up my phone and text him. I don’t want to leave the world with a silly fight knowing I was bitter to him. Tonight, I wanted to utter those words to him badly.

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