Current song playing : Officially Missing You by Tamia
Ooh, can’t nobody do it like you
Said every little thing you do
Hey baby say it stays on my mind
And I, I’m officially..

Sundays prance my heart.

We might kiss when we are alone, when nobody’s watching.

I fought with myself. My feelings and my brain just refused to make up. 7 and 1/2 pints of Stout on a Sunday afternoon with StarWars Bon. A casual two person drinking on a Sunday afternoon turned to a party of 20. A drunk dial, my heart running back to him. Another drunk dial, “I miss you”, he said. Probably I should start drunk dialing too. I will call you and tell you how much damage you’ve caused.

Last night ended with a kiss, two drunk dials.

My soul can barely take it any longer.

Let’s backtrack.

Thursday afternoon whilst at meeting, phone rang, I felt thorns prickling my heart. I heard a sudden death. The very first of 2010. I ignored the awful drowning of emotions . I left my bitterheart in the meeting room and refused to pick it up. The next day, I attended the funeral. The son was at the altar, he spoke of his dead father. “He wasn’t the perfect person, but he was my perfect father”. Tears rolled profusely, thoughts running behind my head – would my family and friends ever say beautiful things about me or the funeral parlour will be empty and cold, with no friends, no one to mourn?

I saw the widow and the children, they looked tough and holding on strongly. Receiving hugs from friends and relatives, I could imagine what these people whispered to the family members’ of the dead, “be strong/I’m sorry/we will miss him dearly”. I never know how it feels like having someone so close to me gone forever. Unlike most children, I never miss my grandparents, I was never close to them at the first place. Most likely the only person I’ve lost and missing would be my paternal father. He’s not dead, just long gone. Too long.

The second blow hits while I was drafting this post. I was clicking around and saw a fanpage in Facebook, ‘In Loving Memory of Sandra Wong’. Tragic accident led to sudden death. She was 21, just like me. I barely knew this girl, I met her once or twice in the uni hallway. I was overwhelmed by the goodbye notes left for her. Today, she appeared in the local news, ‘Making others happy – even in her death‘. I was touched, she was indeed an amazing person. She left footprints, I envy her friends. Have I marked myself in this world?

Suddenly life seems meaningless. Times like this I question my faith, my God. Why her? Why now? Life is so fragile and vulnerable. For a moment, I had no reason to live for. I didn’t know why I should continue living, continue breathing, continue smiling, continue working, continue studying, continue falling in love. I picked up my phone and text him. I don’t want to leave the world with a silly fight knowing I was bitter to him. Tonight, I wanted to utter those words to him badly.

Current song playing : Malam Ini by Bo Amir Iqram
Malam ini
Kehadiranmu membawa seribu makna baru untuk hidupku
Dirimu memberi cinta yang selamanya

Current song playing : Do That To Me One More Time by Jheena Lodwick
Do that to me one more time
Once is never enough with a man like you

The ugly Sunday turned pretty Monday.

Sunday evening begins with revisiting a familiar home, baby mojo and Mr. La Mer. Three company, undecided. Steamboat for two, chicken wings, burnt knuckle. I came back to comfort home. The two of us, sharing. It’s been a week since we last met and spoke. The crying stops, both hearts ache. She put on a familiar shirt. I remembered the happy roadtrip.

White Boy had the perfect Sunday night plan-  snuggle and watch movie at his place. ”Orphan’ soon turned to something pleasing, a very happy ending. The character in the movie, Maxine, she’s too perfect, too pretty. We were joking about me getting pregnant and how he would be a good father, good gen.  Smelling him, his fingers touching mine, our shoulders rubbing, I was helpless. My heart and mouth want to spill the beans, my big ego head says no. For a moment, I rationalized and realized something, the idea of love.

Man and woman waking up to each others’ presence is a bliss. Getting ready to work, he was sound asleep on the right side of the bed. His curled eyelashes and pierced lips kept me mesmerized. I dream to wake up to this happy dream every morning. He kissed me, we left home happy. Searching for breakfast, fast-food chains. I had the happiest breakfast meal. I don’t remember feeling that contented holding a man’s hand crossing the busy road, walking on an empty street, laughing at each other quirkiness, holding his hot coffee. Arriving at the office front door, he says “be good” and I leaned towards him, we kissed. The perfect partner.

The next best thing happened on the pretty Monday, the smell of a newborn baby.

Current song playing : This One (Crying like a Child) by Utada Hikaru
How could I ever love another?
How could you don’t remember?
God knows I’d give anything
For just one more night together

Today is Sunday.

This day is my therapy. Plans were made.
I woke up and smiled, perhaps it is going to be a good day.

Watched a movie titled “Wild Child”, story of a young girl adapting to a new environment. For some silly reasons unknown, I cried throughout the whole movie. It made no sense at all. After spending my nights thinking of him, I needed to channel my emotions somewhere. But crying over this movie seems ridiculous, almost stupid. Crying. I’ve learned to cry the past few months. I turned on my playlist and cry over songs, cry over stupid love songs. It’s funny no matter how much of crying is done, the feelings never ceased, it is still there, perhaps temporary forgotten. It will come back in seconds, moments you never want your shield to be broken. I broke my shield, I broke my wall.

Coming back to comfort home, I thought day would be splendid. The face I saw wasn’t a happy one. The tone of his voice was merely disappointing. I kept quiet. No input would make him any happier. Why do Sunday looked so dark and angry? Angry words, mad tones. Phones beeping back and forth, I could sense the awkwardness. Should I walk off? Am I intruding? Should they fight, where should I stand?

Love is complex. Space, time, emotions. I’m walking away.

@ 3.28am

Current song playing : Love Hurts by Nazareth
I’m young, I know
But even so
I know a thing or two
I learned from you

The past few nights, I prayed to God to get me out of heartache. Friday came and gone. Driving to work wasn’t thrilling today, gloomy and wet, his song was playing in the radio, warm tears flowed down my naked cheeks. I miss him. The one hour drive to work was awkwardly quiet. Inside my head, today wasn’t going to be picturesque. Arrival in office seems blurry and unusual today, I was tired from working day and night. I turned my laptop and started reading my twitter homepage. I was disgusted. Very disgusted indeed. All these religions and God affairs irk me. It was beyond speechless. This Friday was gloomy and wet. So was I. I was upset, unmotivated, unwilling to face people. Take me far far away.