A long night bus ride. A getaway from the bustling long weekend in KL. Minutes after the journey began, my heart kept nudging. Something wasn’t right. Women’s instinct, six sense, intuition or whatever you can name it, it hit hard. My egoistic brain refused to respond and shut my worrisome heart down. An hour ago, I received horrible news of him. For the first time, I didn’t know what should be done. I have 4 different numbers of his, all I wanted was to hear his voice again. The little gems flashed back in front of my eyes.

This funny love/hate/denial relationship is unbearable. We turned so cold, distant and bitter today. The trip is at stake now. All I want now is to be in the bustling city, wrapped myself in your arms and let the little gems sparkle. Nudge me.

Sometimes, the slightest move might be the beginning of your nightmare.

Sipping hot coffee and the very first blow of nicotine at 15th floor in the midst of city congestion below and skyscrapers above. The night before, I made a move, I left a message for him. Undeniably I stripped my ego down and he was back to square one, confused and dumbfounded. There will be no comeback, no beginning nor ending. I miss you and I am not in the state of mind to let you go. I can be better, I deserve better but you and I share a memory I want to safekeep. The sick little girl, I miss her. Odd hours, I woke up thinking of her laughing. That loud thud and silly stare of hers tickle my invisible heart. Guilt trip of your mishap bloodshed tickles me too.

Last night, split conversations between genders sexuality, Myer-Briggs test and body language. The facade I have on screamed away, I tried, you denied. Earlier that morning, I had a heart-to-heart talk with a friend during our Big Breakfast session in La Bodega. We shared stories, stories about men, infidelity, trust and the other woman.

This post is going nowhere. Have a good night.

A question he asked in the midst of red light caught me off guard. I paused, bit my tongue, stared at his wheels and swallowed my pride. Someone new in the picture, July begins something new. It began as a jealous tool, last night he held my hand in the mall. Everything was in a quick pace, too quick. Too excited, too soon.

A married man gave me a word of advise today. I defended my theory, it was a theory I’ve yet to backfire. I pounced my paw into his pillows, I scratched his lips till he spoke the truth. I am again open for tragic wound.

Somewhere Out There by Our Lady Peace

237km away from my home, I’m on a foreign bed alone now. A weekend I’ve waited for over 8 months now, a wedding of a good friend. A man who cracks me up, dirty gossips with me, fills sinful temptations of great food indulgence together.

Driving to this destination, I had the best laughs in weeks. I missed the times I had with these boys, the times we galore in gluttony, the times we teased the new couple, the times we burped loudly after yummy lamb burger for supper, the times we drove for hours for a weekend.

I had a good talk with the buddies, realizing I’m fitting my feet in the wrong pair of shoes. I only want my size 6 Louboutin.

Sitting in the porch, lifting the English torch, staring at the stranger’s windows, feelings shaken and unsettled.

Wind blowing on my face, a little girl sitting at the door, holding on to her treats, quietly her words disappeared. A little brittle, a lot torn, the word trust cursed our future apart.

The Chinese characters I dictate tonight brought bittersweet childhood memories, mostly bitter and painful. A total stranger to my mother language, I was mortified and lonesome then.

Things I wished to say, things I ought to do, I cowardly wished I believed in second chances. Little words structured over and over again in my imaginary brain, one night never felt so safe, wanted and terrified at the same time.

A step back looking at the big picture tells me I might be living the perfect lie. A step forward into this picture tells me I might be living in a broken limb and unsound ending. A tale I want no one to endure. Magic mirror would be the ideal gift now.