Sometimes, the slightest move might be the beginning of your nightmare.

Sipping hot coffee and the very first blow of nicotine at 15th floor in the midst of city congestion below and skyscrapers above. The night before, I made a move, I left a message for him. Undeniably I stripped my ego down and he was back to square one, confused and dumbfounded. There will be no comeback, no beginning nor ending. I miss you and I am not in the state of mind to let you go. I can be better, I deserve better but you and I share a memory I want to safekeep. The sick little girl, I miss her. Odd hours, I woke up thinking of her laughing. That loud thud and silly stare of hers tickle my invisible heart. Guilt trip of your mishap bloodshed tickles me too.

Last night, split conversations between genders sexuality, Myer-Briggs test and body language. The facade I have on screamed away, I tried, you denied. Earlier that morning, I had a heart-to-heart talk with a friend during our Big Breakfast session in La Bodega. We shared stories, stories about men, infidelity, trust and the other woman.

This post is going nowhere. Have a good night.

Yesterday, I avoided screeches by the window cleaner and landed my pathetic soul in the horoscope department inside Border’s. I picked a book and started flipping around, pages to pages in seconds. Month of July, multiple obstacles. Month of August, lack of love. Month of September, overflow with financial abundance.

July was an interesting month. I flipped, I frown, I flee.

I still dream of the happy joyous moment. Just not soon. I jumped too soon, flee too soon. Above the sky too soon, under the sheets too soon. I never learn, not soon. The dream of holding on to little fingers and smell of fresh puke will put on hold now.

“Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.” ~ Paulo Coelho

Now Playing : To Build A Home by The Cinema Orchestra
This is a place where I don’t feel alone
This is a place where i feel at home

And I built a home
For you
For me

Someone explain this formula to me please.
A spur of hopefulness + a pinch of bitterness + a bite of loneliness + a drop of joyfulness + a dash of dishonesty = ???

Now, it’s the best time that someone should laugh at me and said this out loud, “I told you so”. I deserved it.

Tonight, I’ve joined the troop. I gained faith and belief behind the plot. Tonight, I felt someone played God and messed with my head. Days ago, I tweeted, “At times, reality feels like fantasy. Vice versa.” I’ve always been a dreamer. I love to dream. Lucid dreaming is probably one of my favourite past times. I’ve experienced dream in dream, I’ve experienced dejavu. Tonight, Christopher Nolan brought me somewhere I’ve been before. He brought me to a place that grasp my reality and faith to dream again.

Current song playing : This Love by Craig Armstrong
This Love
It hasn’t have to feel love
It hasn’t need to be love
It hasn’t mean a thing

A question he asked in the midst of red light caught me off guard. I paused, bit my tongue, stared at his wheels and swallowed my pride. Someone new in the picture, July begins something new. It began as a jealous tool, last night he held my hand in the mall. Everything was in a quick pace, too quick. Too excited, too soon.

A married man gave me a word of advise today. I defended my theory, it was a theory I’ve yet to backfire. I pounced my paw into his pillows, I scratched his lips till he spoke the truth. I am again open for tragic wound.

Somewhere Out There by Our Lady Peace