I dressed up for fancy dinner with friends from Hong Kong,
sitting in a posh restaurant, bumping into who’s who,
my hair was curled, my nails in hot red,
with the brand new Prada bag,
I’m polished.

Four friends drowning on 18 y. o. Macallan,
a bottle finished, another bottle opened.
Single Malt Whisky with 2 cubes of ice.
Conversation of tattoos, Hong Kies, Vietnamese brides and etc.

Later that night, Jaguar stopped in front of the mall,
eyes popped, people stared and judged.
I believed in magic and wishes again.
He was right there, we smiled and greeted like strangers.

Stepping into that 8th floor again,
memories flood my brain from the whisky earlier.
He offered the 21 y. o. Ballantine’s,
we drink to the drama six months ago.
Another drinking game, abbreviation.
Three of us, drinking on the same table,
how the chemistry started six months ago.

That night, I was in his arms again.
I am a drunk happy child.
Sunlight was bright, “Good Morning”, he greeted.
He made coffee, I lighted up my first stick and watched MTV with a weird smile carved on my face.

I managed to prove my theory right.

The next night, I fell asleep on a familiar couch.
I blame the football and The Famous Grouse.
Sunday morning started with Hong Kong dishes and fascination of ‘Sparks’.

The Only Exception.
I developed a desire to do something exceptional with you.
I fostered a sensation unlike the usual.
Being the only exception,
I had the slightest flaw, just like everyone else.

Minimal, I’m leaving you.

Angin mengusap lubuk hatiku,
suaramu hilang terjemah sebelah telinga kiriku.
Berpura-puraan dan muslihat mu tersinar pada malam yang sunyi ini,
bunyi halus cengkerik berganding lampu jalan yang malap,
kekecewaan berdepan dengan lagu cinta hatiku.

Hujung minggu yang dinanti-nantikan,
saya ingin melarikan diri dari kenyataan.
Penyakit rindu yang teramat sangat,
saya hanya menunggu sehingga saat itu mengakhir,
melepaskan kata-kata yang tersembunyi di sempadan hatiku.

Janji yang dikotai,
mengharapkan kasih sayangku,
melepaskan musuh sengit di senyumanmu.
Perasaan yang menghantui ku,
menghilangkan dugaan dan pilihanku.
Kata-kata yang terbiar di suaramu,
sebak hatiku mendengar.

The span of 20 minutes of phone conversation,
we spoke about the new home furnitures, electrical items, kitchen utensils, decorations.
The weird comfort feeling emerged, continues with chuckles on both side.

The five days of intense work in the office cubicle highly rewarded with mutual company on the weekend. Beginning of a mutual relationship, I lifted my anxiety and fear of broken promises. Questions prancing in my left brain, answered by my right brain. Sneaky moves detector on high alert, lessons on trust and faith invade my morality. Often I let my guard down and fall head over heels easily, lost of self-pride and self-identity, this time, I’m looking at the minimal part of this happy thoughts. Yes, minimal.

Skin baring. Two adults. Little giggles. Sensitive spots. Minimal talk. Lips puckering. Sagi Rei singing.

The weekend sinful cravings:

Lemongrass fish cakes

Strawberry Cheesecake

Fluffy pancakes with loads of golden syrup

Haegen Daaz Strawberry Cheesecake

Taiwan Sausages

Dim Sum with flying fish balls

Huge Pandan Chicken

Hokkien Mee with super crunchy pork lards

Honeycombs Chocolates

Love overflowed in my gut. Dazed.

Dreaming of a princess became reality.
He will give the slightest hint to see my eyes lit up and gums charging.

Over the weekend, I experienced something new, something grown ups ought to do.
Exciting yet tiring. Superficially stimulating and overwhelmingly rewarding.
Over the weekend, he brought me house hunting.

Yes. House hunting.

Looking at the different units, comparing facilities, room size, kitchen cabinets, view from the balconies.
Property agents, multiple locations, toiling night visits.
Hideous furnitures, bad sense of decoration from previous house owners, not a good sight.

After Sunday breakfast, another unit on the list.
Security : Guard speaks fluent English
Lobby : Terrific entrance
Pool : BEAUTY
The Unit : Highly Desired
We walked out of the unit feeling hopeful and promising.
He looked at me and asked,”Do you like it?”
I turned around and grabbed his big arms, nodded my head.

There’s a part of the relationship/friendship/courtship, I am slightly confused.
Introduction to his good buddies, sleepovers and holding hands in shopping malls.
Dating, something I’ll never comprehend, it’s filled with millions of hopes and millions of despairs.
It begins as fast as it ends.
One thing I’ve accomplished with this man, patience.

Fundamental.
Noticed my rapid prance.

This weekend was sweet, splendid and split me against the world.

Friday, lavish, repleting Japenese dinner continued with cocktails in the wine bar. Mojito and Martini, my pussy drinks. The thrill of getting to know a person’s past, present and future stirs mixed feelings in my gut. Moments later, his fingers started tossing my frizzy hair, I rested on his arms. We sat there for two hours on the black leather couch, puffing cigarettes, sipping on mint-flavoured alcohol, we laughed and shared what two person always do in the first proper dates. Appropriate conversation topics : family, childhood, high school, uni life, best friends. The party started, poor constructed band with painful female vocals singing Lady Gaga famous hits. Friendly butch offered drinks and lollipops, the bad air ventilation and awful music kept me there for 30 mins, I hinted him I wanted to be at somewhere else. An hour of waiting in the hotel lobby, I settled for chilled Moët & Chandon with raindrops outside. The stake of baring the black dress, putting on his pink Polo Ralph Lauren shirt with my black lacy panties sticking evidently half of my bum was minimal. Jumping on that bed with dazed of light alcohol consumption, he stroked my back, held on to my waist and soon enough, I was dreaming on his arms under the blanket.

Saturday begins. Snuggling on the leather couch, flipping TV channels, pleasant breezy air out the balcony. The one week old necklace broke, I was restless, cursed. Birthday lunch, shopping vouchers, sinful Tiramisu from Alexis. Girlfriends you can spill dirty secrets to, the great results of sex toys, fascination of threesome, oral sex and other petty sex stories. Window shopping for the perfect dildo, I will distinctly keep them for a longer time now.

Sunday splits my heart apart. I was baffled in his arms. My wet hair flicked on the pillow, I drowned for six peaceful hours. Establishing curves and rhythms, he peeked a few seconds, placed his head on my shoulder, gently tracing the lines of scent on my bare neck. I pulled both his arms nearer to my frail body. Bliss and belonged.

The drive uphill with foreign mother tongue I couldn’t comprehend, I lightly nap with my grey cardigan wrapped on my body. Being 21, entering the sin city, welcome smiles and greetings in the exclusive VIP room, I glanced the room filled with rich tai-tais (to qualify as a Tai Tai, she has to have lots of leisure time, lots of money to spend and lots of gossip to exchange.) and loud chinese merchants. Minimum bet of RM 500 per game, I was people watching. Observing sinful deeds, throwing chips on the Baccarat table, I spared the ache of ringgits wasted on each game. Player, Banker and Tie, the frequent game stands with an experienced gambler rubbing the cards while others silently screamed “Picture!”. A game of chance, fair chance. To gamble is to risk chances away. The only vice that keeps me sanity, taking chances. An hour of poor decisions, lost a man thousands of ringgit. We proceeded to the room provided by the casino to rest, I shut my eyes and rest my head on that fluffy pillow. Prancing back to that room filled with chips and rich merchants, the losing of money in the game of risk and chances is distressing, I prefer sitting in Starbucks, sipping my hot Chamomile tea served with heated banana chocolate muffin. I did so. Hoping for chilling air breezed on my skin failed, we conversed and laughed with exchanged of lighters lighting the cigarette pressed on my lips.

Driving back to our congested city, they brought me to the luxury shopping mall searching for a light jacket for a ten month old boy. Brand-conscious father was easily lured by DKNY, Ralph Lauren, Burberry for babies. He reached for that tiny DKNY fire-engine red jacket and paid a heavy sum to please the child’s mother. A well-deserved heavy late lunch for four dined by three hungry gamblers. An hour later, the falling of raindrops on the car’s windscreen slowly brought me back to reality. It was end of the dazing weekend.

A good buddy itched for sips of Guinness Stout blamed me for religiously tempting him to our favourite Stout station, Sid’s Pub. BBQ pork ribs, fisherman’s pie and some perfect pints of Guinness Stout. I was sarcastically teased all night, it pays to be ditzy at times. My weekend ended with a light buzz and six hours of dead sleep. Comes the weird dream.

Her soulful voice projecting in front of hundreds of fans, I had goose bumps. She sings, strums her guitar while I sat there like a little girl and cried.

My fingers lingering her neck, my lips touching the cleavage in between her boobs. She lifted her black bodycon dress and her red satin panties flashing right in front my eyes, my fingers slicking her thighs, I wish to pierce my lips on her pink rosy lips.

4 mornings, different beds, different shower heads. I pinched myself lightly, laughing at my morning dreams.

Favours after heavy nights of drinking, little kisses started, continued with heavy breaths lingering on each other’s neck. Tight night hugs on the dark sheets, petty stains and pillows fighting under the warm blanket. Waking up to a man held on tight to you, with his arms wrapped on my frail body, his warm legs in between my frigid lower body, I could stay in the bed for days feeling perfectly like this. I have longed for him, a long time now. That night, I blamed the induced alcohol in our system and I thanked the little courage and the slight blur. It was a great end to a beautiful friendship.

We kissed at night, we kissed in the morning. The warmth of your body and your voice gave me the smile I desired for a long time. It was all worth it. The game ‘what if’ began playing in my mind. I am still holding on to an empty hope. An empty desire now filled with wet kisses we share on your bed. Your smile, your smell, your humour, your tricks, I’ll placed you in a secret corner of my heart for now.

I won my pride, I lost the war.

Earlier tonight, your song was playing in the club.
I smiled because my heart ain’t thumping like it used to anymore.
I discreetly wanted you off my mind.

When I left the club, my favourite broken-hearted cheap drunk posted a question, “How long can you go without kissing?”
I was distracted in the car, recalling the kisses.
“My last kiss was in December”, I answered.

The last kiss was unplanned, unpredictable.
My heart was racing when our lips touched.
We kissed many times that fated night, I remembered every one of them.
When your tongue reached my lips, I surrendered instantly.
I have lost the game.
A game of strangers and infatuation.

The last kiss ended my night.
No romance, no intimacy, no commitment.
It was just a kiss.
A kiss I desire tonight.

Tonight,
I sleep alone.
I still dream of your arms, how you will catch me at the edge of the bed and pull me towards your warm body.

Tonight,
I hurt myself.
I had no one to turn to and cry on.
Blood, torn skin and bruises.
I was inflicted in pain.
I have you in my mind, why am I dreaming when you are nine thousand miles away?
I have your face sculpted in my memory,
I have your scent traced in my memory,
I have your touch gambled in my memory.
Could I have this kiss one more time?

Current song playing: Sweet Child of Mine by Banda Do Sul feat. Natascha
She takes me away to that special place
And if I stared too long
I’d probably break down and cry

Tonight is probably a walk down memory lane.
I remembered the salted egg crab that gave you and me a bad time.
I remembered the song you were excited about.
I remembered playing a card game called Balls.

Tonight,
your purple shirt, your accent, your face, your stroke struck me.

Tonight,
I fought with my memories.
Memories of 48 hours replaying in my head.
Tonight,
I had a hard time calming myself.

Tonight,
I made a wish.
A simple wish I wrote in a red lantern.
A lantern I released to be heard in the heaven above.
Santa answered my prayer once,
this time,
I wish the heaven above read the six words I wrote.

This six words, the most selfish wish I could ask for tonight.
I didn’t want happiness, prosperity or good health like the others.
Tonight, I just wished for this six words to come true.
I don’t want love,
I don’t want possessions,
I don’t want solace,
I just want to be in your arms again for one night.

Last night, you pulled me as I pranced to you. We made sweet sweet love. You lit the candle and kiss me like never before. I surprised you with my bad kitty costume, for a moment, I could almost felt your arousal.You placed your hands on my back, grabbing my fleshy bum. The dim candle flame lights up the room perfectly, perfecting the climax I desired. Keren Ann’s voice drowning in the background. I was making love to you. It wasn’t another episode of lustful sex, it was two person forgetting about the world’s hopes and hatred, gazing into his eyes and giving him the pleasure of his life.

Lucid dream.

I slept and dreamed. I dream of you and me, that past weeks we’ve been spending time together till I woke up and realised, who am I kidding now. You woke me up, you broke and shattered me into pieces. I was torn, I still am. Days ago, we shared moments I stole from the stars. It was just days ago, you light up my face when I see your name appeared. This morning, you killed my dream. Our kisses in the elevator, your kisses linger on my shoulder, our sneaky fingers under the table.

Like White Boy suggested, I should start counting my fingers in real life.