Current song playing: What do You Want from Me by Adam Lambert
It messed me up
Need a second to breathe
Just keep coming around

Being invisible, strutting light moves. I lift the veil of pretentious mind and consume the air of clarity.

Sudden decision to drop by a familiar neighbourhood pub for a quick thirst relief on a Sunday afternoon explains the lucidity of my condition. The Sunday heart-to-heart talk over perfect pints of Guinness cleared the air of masked reality. I explained myself, my desire to be a mother, the perfect plan of my death, how the 2 years of attraction ruined my morality. I sympathize his story of  infamous business and walk of life. Two years of friendship, I learned you all over on Sunday Stout Session. Over dinner, I shared my new found theory of marriage and relationship. I’ve changed. Minimal expectations, pouring happiness on my own pace, leaving no desire to program a favourite channel or the perfect person.

Reality is always intoxicating.

A step into a drop of alcohol, I supplied joy.
A step away from a bottle of poison, I conform lust.

Days passed, weeks passed, months passed;
I passed the test of sobriety.
Being named alcoholic; offended.
Pouring poison, passing glasses, I deny teases from friends.
Strangers pinned formula of mixture shots and labelled me,

ALCOHOLIC.

Perfect. Social bullies.

The perfect plan after my *Industrial Training*

1. Continue pole dancing lessons
2. Join the gym
3. Learn to drive
4. Learn to drive
5. LEARN TO DRIVE
6. Touch up tattoo no.3
7. Get tattoo no.4
8. Figure a way to fit my ass into size 4 jeans again
9. Pick up Latin dance *wishful thinking*
10. Rhinoplasty

The tingling feeling on my lower body secretes a funny chemical in my brain.

Once upon a time, a teacher taught me an important lesson: REALIZATION.

The past few days, I discovered something new. I realized I am incapable of true feelings and lifetime commitments. I am ambitious, very ambitious, in my own way. That one fated night I had him in my arms, I felt I won the home game i.e. MU vs Liverpool last Sunday, almost like stroking my big ego. I knew deep down he isn’t THE ONE or THE RIGHT GUY, he isn’t the man I want to spend the rest of my life with or walk on the aisle with him waiting for me at the end. I just want him for a night, I wanted to prove my silly theory right, time does it all. Guess what, I was right, I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t feeling on top of the world. I was never satisfied, I hunger for more. I’m the perfect example of a stray lover.

I never realized that I have filled tremendous feelings on a cracked jar, it was never full nor empty. Feelings float, captured in the jar yet you’ll see traces of feelings seeping at the edge of the jar. Tonight, I realized I am slowly pouring my joyful hopeful feelings away. I kept holding onto feelings that I knew deep down that would not have the answers I want. I played along to keep my hopes alive. I altered my choices to adapt my feelings. I am slowly turning to a bitter lover, passionate momentarily.

p.s. I realized I have to change most part of me to filter him in. He’s definitely one of the rare species I desire. He might not be the most colourful butterfly around, but he’s surely one of the rarest kind. The impulse to parade him in that pretty glass display almost eat me alive.

Battered heart, broken trust, fantasies, boy stories.
Love undefined, attention-whore.

I wept, tears rolled down my cheeks.

You are here so that I can run to any day any time.
You are here so that I can fall and you are here to pick me up.
You are here so that I can cry and you are always here to listen.

You are always here despite the fights, screams, bitterness, awkwardness and weird PMS.

You are always here.
The best thing I could ever wished for.

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The 13th of every month walks me down to perfect solitude.

13th July 09, I scarred Love, Hope and Faith permanently.
13th August 09, I jumped in the ocean and fed the dolphin.
13th September 09, I kissed on this Sunday.
13th October 09, I dreamed of you and me sitting on a white couch, picking a plasma TV together.
13th November 09, I slept in her room, gleefully chanting.
13th December 09, I fall in your arms for the first time.
13th January 10, I received a mail, I was smitten.
13th February 10, I jollied in the bed with your stories and karma.
13th March 10, I fell in love with coloured bongs and hippopotamus.
13th April 10, I fell for you, it was the lavish food and inappropriate promises made.
13th May 10, I picked up a future, I am safe.
13th June 10, I’m in your arms again, saying goodbye.
13th July 10, first movie date, you held my hand in public.

Current song playing: Dakota by Stereophonics
You made me feel like the one
You made me feel like the one
The One